-De krant in/ over Kazachstan
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You know you've been in Central Asia a long time when...
1. You have to think twice about throwing away the empty instant coffee jar.
2. You carry a plastic shopping bag with you "just in case."
3. You say he/she is "on the meeting"
4. You answer the phone by saying "ah-lo, ah-lo, ah-lo" before giving the caller a chance to respond.
5. You save table scraps for the cat(s) living in the courtyard.
6. When crossing the street, you sprint.
7. In winter, you choose your route first by determining which icicles are least likely to impale you on the head.
8. You are impressed with the new model Lada or Volga.
9. You let the telephone ring at least 3-4 times before you pick it up because it is probably a mis-connection or electric fault.
10. You hear the radio say it is just at or below freezing outside and you think it might be nice day for a change.
11. You argue with a taxi driver about a fare of 100 Tenge ($0.75) to go 2-3 miles while it is snowing.
12. You actually know and care who won the last Zenit soccer match.
13. You win a shoving match with an old Babuschka for a place in line and you are proud of it.
14. You hesitate to put on your seat belt to avoid offending the taxidriver and the impending 5 minute conversation to explain why you are putting it on.
15. You are pleasantly surprised when there is actually toilet paper in the WC.
16. You look at people's shoes to determine where they are from.
17. You're anxiously concerned because you forgot your "just in case" disposable hypodermic needle in your other coat.
18. You "automatically" hand in your pepper spray at the door before going through the metal detector.
19. You are pleasantly surprised when there is actually wine in that bottle of Georgian Kinzamaruli.
20. You notice that No-Neck's cell phone is smaller than yours and you're jealous.
21. Your day seems brighter after seeing that goon's Mercedes run into by a pensioner's "Moskvich".
22. You are thrown off guard when the doorman at the nightclub is happy to see you.
23. Your not sure what to do you when the "GAI" only asks you to pay the official fine.
24. You wonder what the tax inspector really wants when she says everything is in order.
25. You give a 10% tip only if the waiter has been really exceptional.
26. You plan your vacation around those times of the year when they turn off the hot water.
27. You're offended when your American friend gives you a "dozen" roses.
28. You don't notice that Sony sticker on the front of your t.v.
29. You are relieved when the guy standing next to you on the bus actually uses Kleenex.
30. You are envious that your expat friend has smaller door keys than you.
31. You ask for no ice in your drink.
32. When you stop using "poshol" as a "to go" verb.
33. When you go mushroom and berry picking out of necessity, not recreation.
34. When you develop a liking for beets.
35. When you eat hot dogs for breakfast.
36. When you know what Dostoyevsky's favorite color was.
37. When you start to believe that you're a character in a Bulgakov novel.
38. When you move to Budapest and think you're in heaven.
39. When you start thinking of bread as a good mixer for vodka
40. When you drink the brine from empty pickle jars
41. When you can read bar-codes
42. When you start shopping for products by their country of production
43. When it doesn't seem strange to pay the GAI fine of $2.25 for crossing the double line while making an illegal U-turn and $35 for a microwaved dish of frozen vegetables at a crappy restaurant.
44. When your coffee cups routinely smell like vodka
45. When you start to "feel" public transport and bridge opening schedules
46. When you know more than 60 Olgas
47. When you give you business card to social acquaintances
48. When you wear a wool hat in the sauna
The murder and homicide top ten from the FBI.
Every year the american FBI investigates more than 36.000 times causes of murder and manslaughter. And every year they make a list with their favorite cases, this is their own "top ten list.
10. Alex Mijtus, 36, was killed by his wife with a 30 centimeter long vibrator. Mrs. Mijtus was sick of the bizar sex-games of her husband and during an evening of "bed-fun" she shoved the whole vibrator in the anus of her husband. The rotating vibrator damaged some internal organs. Alex Mijtus died several hours later because of internal bleedings.
9. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, died while crossing a road. The old lady would celebrate her 100 year birthday next day and was brought to her birthday party by her own daughter in her wheelchair. The wheelchair was hit by a van which delivered the birthday cake.
8. Peter Stone, 42, was killed by his 8 years old daughter Samantha. The daughter was just send to bed without food. The young Samantha thought that her father also didn't deserve food and therefore she mixed a large amount of rat-poisson in his coffee. Father died after a firm zip of the coffee. Samantha was punished with a suspended sentence because the court judged she wasn't able of realising the consequences of her behaviour. One month later the punishment was chanced into non-suspended sentence because she tried to kill her mother in the same way.
7. Javier Halos was killed by his landlord with a toilet seat. Halos had a rent debt of 8 years. Landlord Kirk Weston killed the tenant with a toilet seat after he realized how long Javier Halos didn't pay his rent.
6. Mummod Foli, a 22 years old bartender, was killed by a gangster because by accident he removed his drink a little bit too quick from the bar. The gangster became upset and completely angry, he forced the bartender to drink 27 liters of cola. This was fatal to his health.
5. Helena Simms, wife of the famous nuclear scientist Harold Simms, was killed by her husband because he discoverd she had a relation with their neighbour. Harold contaminated the tubes eyeshadow with a high radiaton uranium preparation. This led to her death three months later. Although Helena Simms had several physical problems, including loss of weight, loss of hear and even loss of an earlobe she never visited a general practitioner.
4. Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his adultery wife by stowing her car full with Trintynitrate. The 750 kg.explosive material was detonated by the sergeant with a remote control. The explosion was so strong it could be seen from 10 miles. From the car and the victim nothing could be found back. The only visible thing was a 55 meters deep crater in the road and the disappearance of 500 meters road.
3. Michael Lewis killed his homosexual partner after a fight. He first gave him some drugs and then he dressed him with a big whiteboard. On one site of the bord was writen "Death to all Niggers!" and on the other site "God loves the KKK." Lewis drove his boyfriend to New York's Harlem district and dumped him there. Two minutes later Tony Berry didn't belonge to the living anymore.
2. Mary Dridely, Joseph Coles and Haven Gillies were killed when they walked in front of a New York hotel. They were killed by David Smee (7 years) and his 6 years old sister. The two children were left alone by their parents for only a few hours on the 27th floor of the hotel. The children were bored and decided to try and hit the small "ants" who walked down there. They started with fruit but they ended up with throwing down domestic appliances including even chairs and the television set. 1. Gail Queens, 23 years old was killed by her boy friend Mathew Kellaway because she refused to make love with him. Kellaway was provider in a zoo and invited his girl friend to see how the lions were fed. Mathew Kellaway guided his girl friend into a room with a large window and told here this was the best way to see the lions being fed. Suddenly the girl watched people on the other side of the window, she knocked on the window and yelled to the people that they were on the wrong side of the window. At the moment she realized she was the one at the wrong side three hungry lions were walking into the room. Gail died after two days in the hospital because of her numerous injuries.
Iraq verus Ireland
Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering who to invade next when his telephone rang. "Hallo! Mr. Hussein,' a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down in County Cavan, Ireland. I am ringing you to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! Tell me, how big is your army?" "At this moment in time," said Paddy after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neigbour Gerry, and the entire dominoes team from the pub-that makes 8!" Saddam sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 1 million men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begorra!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, the next day Paddy rang back. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some equipment!" "And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked. "Well, we have 2 combine harvesters, a bulldozer and Murphy's tractor from the farm." Once more Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16 thousand tanks, 14 thousand armored personnel carriers, and my army has increased to 1 and a half million since we last spoke." "Really?!" Said Paddy "I'll have to ring you back!" Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Ted's ultra-light with a couple of rifles in the cockpit and the bridge team has joined us as well!" Saddam was silent for a minute, then sighed. "I must tell you Paddy that I have 10 thousand bombers, 20 thousand MiG 19 attack planes, my military complex is surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air-missile sites, and since we last spoke, my army has increased to 2 million." "Faith and begorra!!", said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Right Mr. Hussein, I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war." "I'am sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," said Pady "We've all had a chat, and there's no way we can feed 2 million prisoners."
Why the chicken crossed the road...
>Teacher: To get to the other side.
>Plato: For the greater good.
>Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
>Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.
>Timothy Leary: Because that's the only trip the establishment would let it take.
>Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
>Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
>Hypocrites: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
>Martin Luther King Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
>Moses: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,
"Thou shalt cross the road". And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
>Richard "Tricky Dick" Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road.
>Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.
>Sigmund Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
>Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance you're checkbook.
>Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
Rather, it is; "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
>Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross roads.
>Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference. >Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
>Michael Schumacher: It was an instinctive maneuver, the chicken obviously didn't see the road until had already started to cross.
>Hillary Clinton: It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against my husband.
>Bill Clinton: The chicken did NOT cross the road. Not a single time. Never. (It was a boulevard.)
>Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
>Girlfriend/Wife/Mother in Law: Are you calling me a chicken?!! Or are you saying that whenever I cross a road I walk like a chicken?!!! Or maybe you think that every time I am in the car, I drive like a chicken?!!!! Or Maybe if I don't know the answer to this question, you are saying I think like a chicken?!!! Well, if you are comparing me to a chicken, then you are a ______@#!!!!!
The dark sucker
For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers. The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light. First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room. So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker. A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range. There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again. Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle. Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light. Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet. Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.
(c)2002 Zofona Productions
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